This is Brittany's latest addition to her school paper. She usually writes serious articles about things teens are dealing with, but sometimes she gets to let her sense of humor shine through.
How to become a criminal mastermind
Brittany Michaelis
Staff Writer
There are three easy steps to becoming a successful criminal mastermind: build a cover, develop some proficiency with the tools of the trade, and spin a web of contacts.
1: A Cover
A cover is your most crucial armor, so it’s important that it’s well maintained. The best cover is an upstanding citizen; preferably one who openly abhors injustice and loves puppies and flowers. When you stand up for others around you, they’ll feel obligated to return the favor. They will extol your character and speak for you should the police ever come knocking. If you appear to be the ideal neighbor and perfect citizen, then your alibis friends can do a lot of the work in maintaining your facade.
To solidify your civilian cover, keep your illegal pursuits separate from your legal ones, and never commit a crime against any of your walking alibis. It might also be beneficial to invest in a mask. Mask wearing is a time honored and effective way to conceal any secret identity.
2: Tools
The tools of the trade are extensive and all of them are vital to your criminal success. Since you’ll be starting from the bottom rungs of the underworld, you should first learn how to pick locks. There are many white hat lock pickers on the internet who can give you the necessary beginner lessons. Most of the tools you need can be made at home using windshield wipers and screw drivers. With some ingenuity, the dedicated prospective criminal mastermind can learn how to pick most basic household locks in under a year.
You will also need to learn how to wield a weapon. Tanks and nukes are in vogue this criminal season so you might want to pick some up. It is of the utmost importance that the beginning of your criminal career be completely legal so buy a small tank at the supermarket with your legal cover and learn to shoot at a local firing range. Just remember to have a separate tank for your criminal activities so your civilian ID doesn’t become implicated in anything shady. If you know how to use a tank or nuke already, then you’re ahead of the game.
3: Contacts
The last thing you need is a web of contacts. This will be difficult and time consuming to form. You need to be especially careful now that you’re dipping your toe in the dark side of the force. Every crime lord and mafia boss you meet has to think you’re vital to them or you’ll soon be scuba diving without an air tank. The best way to integrate into the underworld is to specialize. Develop a skill that plays to your strengths. Informants and hackers generally have a much higher survival rate than the average grunt or gang member.
Just remember that building a dark empire is a long term commitment so you need to be patient. Play the field and when the going gets tough, run.
